Category Archives: Spirituality

It is the first day of 2012 and in just a few hours I will be attending the funeral service of a very dear friend of mine. I would never have thought this was how I was going to start off the New Year. But alas, such is life…

I will never get the chance to ask him to be a groomsman in my future wedding. He and I will not have the opportunities to minister together in the future, as I believe we had both expected. I will miss our occasional early morning conversations that were full of deep honesty, spiritual wisdom and just plain craziness (mostly on his part lol). I was looking forward to more opportunities to show up unannounced at the antique shop where he worked so I could heckle him. No more of Larry Tilly reserving a table at a restaurant under some ridiculous, made-up last name lol. That was just one of the numerous antics that he would pull, and all I could do was smile, shaking my head. I admit that tears are beginning to well up as I am typing… The death of close relatives and friends is something that I have been fortunate to not have experienced much. The last person I was really close to passed away back in 2007 so I am still learning how to cope with these types of situations.

I met Larry back in the fall of 2009 and we seemingly became instantaneous friends. It’s funny how God places the most unlikely people in our lives and it’s almost as if you already knew them. As different as he and I were, we still had much in common in the spirit realm. It wasn’t too long before I got the chance to work with him in ministry at the church where he was attending. I got a chance to experience the unique, creative anointing of this man. He was so committed to the healing and transformation of others! What amazes me about him was how selfless he was! He was willing to go penniless (and he often was) just to help somebody else and I must say that he taught me by example. Larry ministered to anyone who crossed his path in some way, but he really enjoyed reaching out to those who are considered undesirable. He loved those who most people wouldn’t even want to touch or be seen with. This was truly a man who walked in the compassion of Christ.       

The last time I saw Larry was in late August/early September and we had had lunch. I hadn’t seen him in quite a while because he was going through a transitional phase in his life. It was nice catching up with him and we had vowed to keep in closer contact. As I got in my car and began to drive off, I had some fleeting thoughts that this was the last time I was going to see him. I didn’t know why I had these thoughts running through my head, but I quickly dismissed them. Over the next few months, I was unable to contact him. No returned voicemails, no text messages, and I had no address for him. I began to get concerned about him, but I also knew that he tended to be a private person and I imagined that he was likely just dealing with some things. However, within the past few weeks I had began to feel that something was seriously wrong and I suspected that it was his health. Well, on Monday night, December 26^th I got my confirmation. The next night he was gone…    

I know now that heaven has a new comedian. I can already imagine Larry cracking jokes with the angels or even the Lord Himself! LOL! I imagine that his mansion is probably HUMUNGOUS, considering all the people he touched in a relatively short period of time. This is a man who made one of the most amazing transformations I’ve ever known! For most of his life, he was in bondage to various vices and sins. He hit rock bottom and came to the end of himself and became instantaneously obedient to the Lord. I understand that people do overcome the type of life Larry lived, but I’m just not so sure that hardly any of them become SOLD OUT to the gospel the way that he was. Also, he walked in a freedom that I have still yet to obtain. He could care less what people knew about his past because he became a SON of the Most High in the truest sense. He knew who he was in Christ and found his found his affirmation at the foot of the cross. I know that some of his boldness rubbed off on me. He would always emphasize to me that the most important thing in my life needs to be my relationship with the Father. That was all that mattered to him…

I will forever treasure the legacy that Larry left on the earth and I pray that his family, friends and I can mourn him but more importantly, CELEBRATE the fact that he is home with the Father. He would want it that way. I’m glad that he doesn’t have to suffer any more pain in this life. Thank You Heavenly Father for the gift of fellowship and brotherhood with Larry.

To learn more about more about Larry Tilly, go to YouTube and type in “Redemption of Larry Tilly.” His testimony is in two parts. I will also share the videos on my Facebook page. I pray blessings over you all as we start the New Year.

Ahhh… The joys of spiritually growing and maturing… Not! No, but seriously I realize that it can be a wonderful experience, but also a painful one especially when the Lord begins to show you who you really are. For me, I am specifically talking about the depths and ugliness of PRIDE. It is one of the things that the Lord intensely abhors. Proverbs 6:16-19 states the following:

 ¹⁶ These six things the LORD hates,
      Yes, seven are an abomination to Him:
       ¹⁷ A proud look,
      A lying tongue,
      Hands that shed innocent blood,
       ¹⁸ A heart that devises wicked plans,
      Feet that are swift in running to evil,
       ¹⁹ A false witness who speaks lies,
      And one who sows discord among brethren.

As I stated in my previous post, I have been dealing with some pre-mid life crisis type issues in the weeks prior to and after my birthday. All the things I hadn’t accomplished and regrets of the past have raped my thoughts and emotions for several weeks now. However, in the midst of all of this, the Holy Spirit slowly began to reveal to me what was really behind this mess. One word: PRIDE.

 I thought that my life was supposed to play out a certain way because I supposedly “followed the formula.” When I was younger I tended to be a little bit of an over-achiever. Looking back, I now realize that this pride started back then even when I was a little boy. Because of rejection issues that had already surfaced, my being the “best” at everything was the poisonous remedy that I drank to curb the pain. Adding to this concoction were the media images of success that bombarded my mind and psyche. So what am I saying? Well it goes a little something like this: I thought I was entitled to a certain level of “success” because I had a strong work ethic, excelled in academics and sports, respected adults, stayed out of trouble and was a good little “church boy.” I thought that I had a VIP pass to some sort of “elitism” and that I was going to have these heightened, successful experiences. I deserved to be rewarded. Or so I thought. And then life happened and reality sucker-punched me in the face.

My failure to successfully compete in collegiate athletics was a MAJOR blow to my ego, and I was embarrassed because everyone had thought I would excel in track and field. But so many obstacles got in the way and truthfully, deep down on the inside I suspected that God had His hand in this and it angered me. My pride would not allow me to simply enjoy being a college student on campus. Whenever I encountered the athletes, I felt inferior. I was angry because I thought that I was supposed to be experiencing what they were and thought that God loved them more than me. Most of them weren’t as goody two-shoes as me, right? Wow. (Shaking my head) As a result, my life took a downward spiral because I embraced the false belief that God had somehow screwed me over. I turned to other vices to attempt to get the highs I thought I was missing out on. Due to this pride, it wasn’t good enough that I had a full scholarship to study engineering, which was an opportunity that millions of people would have loved to have had, and none of the countless blessings in my life were good enough because I didn’t get what I wanted.  

Fast forward to my adult life, this arrogance followed me, only it was more subtle. The Lord has been showing me that pride has molded a belief system that said everything I put my mind to was supposed to bloom into some major success, simply because of who I was. Now obviously it is ok to have confidence but not arrogance. I remember a few years ago paging through this magazine that was profiling black men who were in there 20s and 30s. Many of them had started successful businesses and others were making six figure salaries in the corporate world. In that moment my pride asked me, “What have you done?” I was supposed to be one of them. Right? Well it pains me to mention this next incident but oh well… One of my younger cousins who played Division I college football got to play in the Rose Bowl back in 2003. I remember jealousy rearing its ugly head and regrets eating away at my heart. While I was certainly proud of him, my pride said that I was supposed to have had that type of experience because I had “done all the right things.” You see the Lord is showing me that pride does nothing more than rob you of joy and peace. In this instance, it prevented me from celebrating my cousin to the fullest.      

The Lord is showing me the different ways that pride is still affecting my life. This idea that I’m supposed to be already flourishing in my endeavors, married with 2.5 kids and have this overall picture of a successful, ideal life is the result of pride. It completely and blatantly ignores whatever mission that God has for me while I’m here on this earth. The pride says that God’s plan isn’t good enough and that I had a more exciting and fulfilling life planned. I realize now pride will HINDER your destiny and purpose. My focus is supposed to be on whatever pleases the Father and not what pleases me. I also see that I’ve become somewhat difficult to please. True enough hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when it gets to the point where I take things for granted because I think I’m entitled, something is seriously wrong. Just because I did the things I was supposed to doesn’t mean that I’m entitled something. If anything, those things I mentioned should be expected. Therefore; there was some resistance against me that came from the heavens because the Word says that He resists the proud but gives grace to the humble. It is no surprise now that many things never quite seemed to work out because of my attitude. Now that I think about it, Lucifer was cast out of heaven because he thought he should be God’s equal due to all of his abilities! No wonder God hates pride so much! Pride is mentioned numerous times throughout the Bible and now I see why.

So this pre-mid life crisis has all been due to pride and ultimately a lack of trust in the Lord. The only guarantees we have in life is that He will never leave us nor forsake us. There are plenty of people in this world who are far more deserving of success than I am, but whose lives are full of hardship. What makes me any better than the man in some third world country who works like a Hebrew slave just to feed his family? If God desires to use someone’s life or even mine to be example to others, is He wrong? Pride answers that question with a “yes” because it is all about pleasing self. The Lord gave me the following “short list” of the negative effects of pride:

•  Cares too much about appearances
• Sense of entitlement; ungrateful
• Overanxious to operate in gifts and talents
• Always has something to prove
• Desires their will over God’s plan
• Perfectionism
• Self-preservation

The opposite of pride is obviously humility. It is the quiet, gentle and meek attitude that says, “Not my will but Yours Lord.” It doesn’t place too much importance on self and understands things of eternal value. Being humble keeps your eyes looking up at Him. Being prideful causes you to look at everything else except Him. If the Lord is calling you to some radical lifestyle that pleases Him, pride will step in because it doesn’t want to appear “crazy” or “foolish” to the world.

I remember a saying that states “Pain will teach you what pride won’t let you learn.” Such a powerful statement! I now choose to live from that place. The pain I have endured has been full of lessons that pride would have tried to avoid. No more pre-mid life crises. I lay my pride at the foot of the cross and walk away…

In a couple of days on October 23^rd I am choosing to celebrate another year of life and all that God is doing in my life. For the past number of weeks I have been experiencing my own “pre-mid-life crisis.” Meaning, I have struggled to not think about everything that my life ISN’T. I have been tossed and turned by the waves in the sea of regret, believing that my life could be much more exciting and fulfilling had I made some different choices. But as of a couple of weeks ago, I am choosing to charge forward and break this pattern that has occurred for the past few years whenever my birthday approaches. But I want to talk about October 23, 2009, which was my 33rd birthday. It had been a little more than a year since I almost failed to see the age of 32 due to a near-fatal case of pneumonia. Yet, on this birthday all I could think about was… myself. I was sulking over the fact that I was lonely and had no one to celebrate my birthday with. All I could focus on was everything that my life wasn’t. So quickly I seemed to have lost the gratitude to God for surviving a VERY CLOSE encounter with the Death Angel.

Yet, on my birthday in 2009 I ended up ministering to two strangers. How funny is that?! While I was consumed with myself, my issues and being ungrateful, the Lord still chose me in spite of me. So it didn’t matter that I was attempting to “treat myself” for my birthday because my life was so “incomplete and unexciting.” I was going to be about the Father’s business whether I liked it or not… Now I did minister to a young man earlier that day, but I want to focus on my second ministry encounter that proved to be extremely eye-opening.

After dining and relaxing alone at my favorite and now-closed spot, “The Harlem Bar,” I walked to my car and spotted someone lying on the sidewalk in front of a doorstep to one of the old dilapidated buildings. “Oh Lord,” I whined to myself. The last thing I wanted to do was be bothered by a homeless person because I had enough “problems” of my own. (Never mind that I had done a little shopping and was driving around in a company-provided vehicle.) This area is in the Sweet Auburn District of downtown Atlanta and is frequented by a large number of homeless people. So as I attempted to just get in my car and drive off, I noticed that the person was a young woman. She had laid out a dirty quilt and it was more than obvious that the streets had not been kind to her. Before I opened the driver’s door, she called out to me. I reluctantly walked over to her, already dreading the idea of having to give her any money. But then she began to tell me about herself and all I could do was listen. She was only 17, but the streets had added about 10-12 years to her appearance and she was also pregnant with twins. She lifted up her shirt to show me her very-pregnant belly as proof. However, what really saddened and shocked me was that she indicated that the twins were in fact the result of her being raped. Even worse, she revealed that she was HIV positive! And you know I just realized that this girl at least had enough love and compassion in her heart to not abort her pregnancy. So as I stood there and listened to her, I could discern that she was telling the truth. Compassion raised my heart and I was no longer thinking about myself. So I ministered to her and we prayed. I gave her $20 and was on my way. As I drive off, I began to kick myself because in my mind, I hadn’t done enough. I was thinking that I hadn’t asked her more questions, and I wondered if I should have taken her to a shelter or bought her some things. However, peace came into my heart when I looked through my rear view mirror and saw her praying with her eyes closed. She even had a serene smile on her face. At that moment, the Holy Spirit confirmed to me that all was well and that I did everything I was supposed to.

I learned a valuable lesson on that birthday and it was to always be about the Father’s business. You never know how God can use you to touch someone else’s life. I felt such a conviction as I drove home. This teenage girl was facing situations far greater than mine. So now as I approach my birthday in a couple of days, I am committed to celebrating another year of life and focusing on others more than myself. In the past couple of years, there have been some individuals I’ve known who have passed on, and almost all of them were young. Life is precious. Yes I know I’m preaching to the choir on this one, but I can’t help but wonder how easy it is to demand life to go a certain way, even when that was never a part of the covenant we have with Him. I am constantly reminded that we were created for His good pleasure.

Every once in a blue moon, I do wonder what might have happened to that young woman and her babies. I wonder if they are ok and if she is off of the streets. I pray that this young lady will be made whole and that her children will have wonderful, productive and healthy lives. It would be a privilege to know that I got to be a part of a beautiful and miraculous testimony. Father please forgive me for my selfishness and self-centeredness. I should always be postured to be about Your business. Amen. 

Well, I got an answer to a question that had been on my mind for quite some time. Or should I say, it was more of a rebuke. As I listened to the pastor in church speak on servitude a few days ago, I began to feel a subtle conviction in my spirit. Serving is one of the main facets of the Heavenly Father’s character and nature. As we live out our days here on the earth, our lives are supposed to be devoted to a cause infinitely greater than ourselves: His Kingdom. Creative people in the Kingdom like me can lose sight of this in the midst of us using our God-ordained gifts for Him. We can make the mistake of allowing our gifts and talents to dictate how we think we should be used for the Kingdom. Now of course, there are many people who don’t have this issue and I admire them. I wish I were more like them.

As I continued listening to God speak through my pastor, I began to swallow that painful pill that says I still need some attitude adjustments as it relates to ministry. The truth is that I have NO desire to be an usher, greeter or a parking lot attendant. Is that a sin? I don’t believe so, however, our dedication to the Kingdom should be such that we are willing to do ANYTHING that is needed. It is NOT based upon what we desire, and we should consider it an honor that we are being used in any capacity, if we are indeed sold out to the Kingdom. In my case, I have such a love for the arts (mainly writing) that it often has determined my actions as it relates to ministry. In other words, I only want to participate or serve in ministry activities if it involves the use of my creative abilities. Wow… Somehow the focus has gone from the Kingdom to my own self-fulfillment. Lord I repent… Forgive me.

Many times when there have been outreach opportunities, I have passed them up because I wanted to spend that time working on my own Kingdom endeavors. I have failed to realize time and time again that those things will happen in His perfect time. Now, I’m not trying to throw myself under the bus because I do love being a blessing to others. I especially adore kids, but of course, like many other people, I often want to dictate to God how and when I should be used. We are more comfortable using our talents that might bring us some praise from others when He is the only one to be praised. For example, there are individuals who believe that their only function is to be a praise and worship leader. They believe this so much that it dictates where they attend church. They leave churches and join churches based upon opportunities to show off their musical chops and draw attention to themselves. The ego! How sad… They are willing to leave a church to go to another where they can garner more attention and also do what they desire instead of listening to the voice of the lord. So despite my love for writing or even stage drama, what if the lord needs me to be a janitor for a season? What if He is beckoning me to simply be a volunteer for the different conferences at the church throughout the year? I had to ask myself, would I rather be at an open mic doing my thing, or at a nursing home giving encouraging words to those whose families may have abandoned them? Lord heal my heart! Who am I to tell the One who knew me before I was formed in my mother’s womb that I don’t want to be used in that capacity? We forget so quickly that we were created for His good pleasure. I have used the excuse of being involved in other ministries as a reason to not get involved even though I had the time to spare. As if my time really truly belongs to me… Uh oh…

Going deeper into this, I have come to the realization that the intimacy in my relationship with Him needs to increase like never before! Something is wrong when I don’t reverence Him enough where I am joyfully willing and able to do whatever He asks. Too much flesh is in the way and more of me needs to die so He can live. The closer I get to Him, the more I should be able to enjoy this journey of allowing Him to lead me. The more that I let go of my self-imposed identity, the more He can use me for His glory. I want to follow Him like a little child without having my own agenda. I and many others need to let go of the desire to only operate in areas of the Kingdom where we “flourish” or in ways that only please self. Now here is a jawbreaker for you… God may not need your specific talent/gift in this season. Ouch! It may not be the right time, so get to cleaning! LOL. Seriously though, He always requires our OBEDIENCE. We have to understand that just because you can sing your butt off doesn’t mean that is your main function in the Kingdom. That gift is to be used when and how HE desires. Otherwise, when it is used more for self-gratifying reasons, it becomes performance and not ministry. Ultimately, we all essentially have to die to that talent or ability that seems to become an idol when we least expect it. Or should I say, simply lay it on the altar?

There is so much more to this journey than your gifts. Don’t let pride and ego become a stumbling block in your journey. Operating in humility will bring forth more blessings than we can imagine. Who knows? Maybe while you clean the church toilets, you cross paths with the businessman who is willing to fund that Kingdom project that God laid on your heart. Maybe after being faithful in serving in the Children’s ministry, you unknowingly minister to that record company executive’s baby girl, and that’s all she wrote! Maybe you’ll meet your future spouse while volunteering at one of the outreach efforts. When we follow God, ANYTHING is possible. So I am going to find an area of ministry at the church and commit to it, and it will be the ministry that He chooses. Not the one that makes me feel good or that satisfies my creative juices. The truth is that we must all lay down our Isaac. There is sure to be a ram in the bush hidden somewhere…